I FAILED.

This past weekend a lot of my friends graduated and I did not...

Why?

Last year I would of answered sarcastically, "Because my academic career peaked in High School". But this year and past weekend when way too many people than I am comfortable with pried into my personal life questioning why I did not have a diploma, I answered "Because God needed time to work on my heart".

Sophomore year I literally fell apart. Unbeknownst to me, I was suffering from complex-PTSD, anxiety and depression. My past that I tried to avoid had caught up with me and I had no choice but to face it. To make a long story short, I had to take a leave of absence after I failed all but one class my Sophomore fall semester.

I was DEVASTATED. I wanted to be able to control my body, mental health, and school. I was okay with some type of failure but only if it was what I perceived as acceptable. Despite wanting total control, the exact opposite was occurring and I was NOT okay with it. In my eyes I had FAILED. I had let down my family and everyone who had supported me. Most importantly I felt abandoned by God. I questioned His goodness and His plan for me.

I Felt Abandoned By God.

Now on the other side I realize being in a place of perceived failure is exactly where I needed to be for God to do His work in my heart. I was so consumed by the pain of my past that I became obsessed with having control in order to never face pain again and academics was one thing I could control in order to gain the affections of others. It made me feel good about myself, but not in a healthy way. I had made my academic success my idol. Though I knew Jesus as my savior I did not know him as my Lord, as one having authority.

In all of our lives we have the tendency with one thing or another to want to have total control, to be our own god. We rob ourselves of true joy when we do this. When we live as our own authority we neglect and inhibit the joyful life God has intended for us. If we have accepted Christ as our Savior we must truly submit to what SAVIOR means. It means that he has saved us from sin, pride, lust, jealousy, vanity, OURSELVES, in order to gift us true peace, love and joy. Though it is not easy to deny ourselves control and really actually trust God, it is worth it.

Trusting God with the reins of your life ensures true peace. I say this from a place not in the past but currently learning this truth daily. As I trusted God with my education and placed my identity under Christ and not my academics, things started to change. This past semester I had all A's and one B! You can't tell me my God is not good nor sovereign! But I had to REALLY realize who was in control and let Him love me past everything I was carrying, I had to lay it at the Cross. When I did (and continue to do, the process of growing in Christ is never over!) I experienced true freedom and peace. My journey thus far in school reminds me of scripture that begins in Psalms 22: 1-2, when David is calling out to God;

"1My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?  2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest."

and ends with the encouragement of Proverbs 3: 5-6,11-12...

"5Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths...

11My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, 12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."

Wherever you are on your journey of life and with Christ remember that things we see as failure are a beautiful opportunity for Christ to show His abounding love for us, renew us and transform us. God is more interested in your heart and growth than your timeline and what you think you need to accomplish. Our failure is often rooted in wanting to control our lives but we were never made to carry the weight. Rest in His promises towards you and His LOVE for you, Just Let Go and watch God show out!

LOVE Y'ALL!

- Naomi